Friday, September 14, 2007 —
Then you ask, what is love anyway? Is love unselfish? Love is not my own desire of how things should be — this cannot be love. Learning love is learning God. Love is perfect, love is God, and love is whole.
Love is that piece, that link, or that connection that makes everything complete. I think I will always have that feeling that I am missing something since I am not perfect and I don’t understand God entirely. That must be normal since, really, I am only a child, and am I not placed here on Earth to find God?
God’s Word states that those who endure to the end with God will be made whole in heaven. Do I expect too much from myself? I am discontent, yet, I am also content. I will always be learning and for a time I am confused since I do not understand. I wonder, when I am not sure about things could it be God or maybe it’s me? Maybe the confusion is because of the cosmos, gravity, flu season, or is it a satanic attack? I feel lost for a time because things don’t seem right and I wander aimlessly seeking a connection to understand what is — I am like a computer glitch that tries to make a coherent connection, but instead, it is bogged down with programming messages, information is missing, and it cannot find a file. I am desperately seeking, yet only finding incomplete information; a crucial file, gone, wiped clean away from existence, my existence, perhaps it was never there; was it stolen? Was it purposely taken away?
I have been so tired lately — “Now, what is wrong with me?”, I ask God. How will I ever understand or how will I ever accept myself for who I am and for the things that I go through.
The sinking feeling of doom and gloom lingers. Inevitable doom and life is just there for me to endure.
God help me.