It has been a few years since my last post, and I have grown up a little bit more. I just finished nursing school as a mature person. Since being in school these past few years and then also working to pay the bills, God has been put on the sidelines. Putting Him there wasn’t a conscious decision. I just got overwhelmed with my busy lifestyle. Now reflecting back, I think God made it this way as a test. I never thought I would ever question God in my life again. Looking back on my blogs I can see my heart was forever crying out with a deep desire wanting to connect with other people who recognized God the same way as I did.
Who am I?
For a number of years my life revolved around the synagogue. Around the time of my blogs, I was trying to understand God through the Jews, but I still saw myself as a Christian. I had no interest in converting to Judaism as I have never had any interest in converting to any sect of Christianity. I have always remained very independent in my thinking and I never liked the control that religion offered.
Now that I had been away from it all (Christianity, the synagogue, reading the Bible, and even praying) I sort of lost touch with God. I use to think if I ever got this way it would be a very scary place to be. Instead though, I found it wasn’t a scary place as I realized my alone time developed a confidence in me that I never had before. I suppose before, I completely relied on how I interpreted God from what I understood from the Bible, but really felt I needed confirmation through a church or a people. I wanted validation.
What I have learned since being away from God all these years is that He never went away and the way I feel about God is still the same. I came back to my blog thinking I would remove it or at least remove some of my blogs or make a lot of edits to them; however, to my surprise, I still think exactly the same way, and agree with what I said. I am more quieter about my faith now. I feel that I don’t need to have others to identify with anymore. I feel more confident in my own identity and in what I have learned from God.
Jesus says this about himself, which I identify with:
Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.” (Luke 9:58)
How I interpret what he said is that Jesus is not understood by anyone. I use to feel so alone, but now I have come to accept my individuality in a confident way.
What I now realize most of all is that there is not one place here on earth that describes God perfectly. What I see more than ever is that we are all part of His unique design as long as we are seeking Him. 200 rabbis can get together to battle out an interpretation of a scripture to try to come up with one single interpretation, but does it matter? I realize, it does. We can never stop seeking truth. Truth can be discovered as God is in each one of us uniquely.
Christianity wants to convert Jews to Christ. They feel Jews are lost not knowing that Jesus is Christ (Messiah)…. but does this even matter? A lot of energy goes into proving a point with them, but is it a good one? Isn’t it more important to God that we all just get along; Jew, Christian, Muslim, black or white? Who is Messiah anyway? Is it a person or is it a message?
I believe Messiah ultimately is a message. A simple message that repeats itself from the Jewish, Hebrew Bible. It is a message of love. A message that has balance which understands that love has boundaries with rules that are meant to protect. It is information on how to a live a healthy life by connecting with what is outside ourselves – giving into a faith in goodness through a knowledge greater than who we are so that we can extend it to others and ultimately the world. It is a message that can be mutually agreed by all that believe in the inherited piece of goodness given to each of us by God. It may be buried deep within our dysfunctional environment, but if we seek it, I trust, we shall find it.