It is hard to say how I came to find freedom. To think back, even way, way back, things have always been a challenge for me. I never really minded though. In fact, much of my anguish I probably brought upon myself. But no matter what mess I was in, I always seemed to manage to get myself out fairly well, still somewhat composed, short of a little broken pride.
I have always been a curious sort that wanted to experience everything and to enjoy it to its utmost delight. I aimed to push the limits, and desired to live life to its absolute fullest. A piece of me even pondered about the mystics, and wonders of the world, and if it really were and what that was all about.
I really sought that comfortable place, but settling was never an easy thing for me. I have lived by my experiences and too often was never much interested in reading the manual. I admit, my sometimes fierce, stubborn attitude has been, at times, a burden to me, and others for that matter, and also not a good way of surviving a lot of those times.
A rebel at best, my experiences taught me lessons. Hard, heavy, broken down lessons. Lessons that eventually drove me seeking for what I never could have dreamed I would have ever wound up looking for. Family life was always a challenge. I was not raised religious per se. My mother gave me a basic understanding that there is a God, and my father disputed it. My parents were always at odds anyway, and their inconsistencies on many issues made things confusing for me growing up. I realized that my parents had seemingly good intentions; however, I eventually deemed them hypocritical and consequently my journey to understand life on my own started quite early.
Church never appealed to me – just seemed more like overly done-up pancakes with maple syrup and maybe even whipped cream, and I wasn’t about to fall for all those empty calories. Church seemed phony to me as I perceived people going through the motions of completing a task of a Sunday morning service, and then never hearing from anyone again as they go back to their regular scheduled programming for the rest of the week.
I always thought I could live a complete and happy life as a fully-fledged, live and let live, agnostic person. Truthfully though, my life as an agnostic person was not very satisfying since my idea of agnostic formed a desire to live life to its extremes, with very few rules which eventually took a downward toll on me. So, my now short-lived life as and agnostic ended up leaving some scars and a feeling in my gut that I was never truly settled as one anyway. Eventually, I realized my conscious was never willing to accept no meaning, so instead I found it drove me to places that I would have never imagined I’d ever go. I desired to live and I fought for life with passion for the why.
I reasoned and realized that boundaries are needed and are good, and actually, I could definitely use some. I sought for direction, a reliable source anywhere and everywhere, until eventually, even in the most unlikely, and unimaginable place; it was a place of God, and I called out His name.
I really didn’t know how to know God and I wanted to know that He was more that just reading a book, but then I realized after reading “the book” that God is history. He is people and experiences, He is a relationship, and He is what is love.
The humble, selfless, and obedient to return the love will understand the love.
My new life journey began.
I wanted to learn as much as I could before stepping into the church world. I am my own person, and was determined not to conform to religion. Conform to God, YES! Conform to man, NO! Religion with all its religions only lost any security within all its inconsistencies. As I persisted though, through my maze of faith, I came to realize one profound fact; man is fallible, and amazingly, in our fallible existence, God takes it and restores it all to truth. He uses our mistakes for His glory.
— We need religion!
We need all great minds that seek God, whoever He is, full-heartedly to unite and be free to express God so that we can all learn God, together, in finite truth and be redeemed. God is One. Allowing ourselves to be One is the challenging part.
It is in my nature to poo poo the so called “church” and toss it out the window; however, another very close look has me to realize that religion can be a beautiful place. There is a leap when it comes to faith in God, to give up and trust in something that is perhaps not even trustable… but I am learning that trusting in God is trusting in love and seeking is finding.
As for those pancakes… everything within moderation. ♥